Dear Snivellus Snape
by SweetCratesOfJelly
Summary: When second-year James Potter decides to be quill-pals with Severus Snape, he at least amuses himself...


**AN:** I wrote this story when I was twelve and recently remembered that it existed, so I decided to go through and correct the (surprisingly few) grammar errors and re-upload it here. (I also changed the original on the Mugglenet fanfiction archive to the new version.) It was originally supposed to include three chapters, but I never wrote them, so that may or may not happen. Anyway, please don't judge it too harshly, this was awhile ago. :]

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><p><strong>Dear Snivellus Snape...<strong>

**_Tuesday_**

Dear Snivellus,

It was very hard for me to write 'dear' there, so I hope you appreciate all my effort.

You idiotic, stupid troll — alright, calming down. What I meant to say was you are a disgusting slug — er — a pea-brained slime ball with six toes… No, that didn't sound right…

Point taken? Anyway, I was shocked this afternoon when you made me fall into that hole-full of Devil's Snare by temporarily blinding me. Surely you can do better, Snivellus? I mean, at least blind me permanently next time — besides, I'm supposed to be the prankster, remember?

And I suppose I shouldn't ask where you got the Snare in the first place, right?

You are a horrible joker with no sense of humor. If you can't trick someone well, don't trick them at all. Tomorrow, please don't play such a mediocre prank on me. Leave that to the nerds in Slytherin. Oh, wait.

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><p><em><strong>Wednesday<strong>_

Dear Snivellus,

If you can't read that, it's because my hand was shaking with the effort of addressing you as 'dear' an entire two days in a row.

Why do you insist on pretending you can actually prank?

When I told you to at least blind me permanently next time, I didn't mean to turn around and _actually_ try to blind me permanently. Good thing I was prepared for it — outsmarted you again, Snivellus.

Look, I knew you were stupid. But I didn't think anyone, not even you, could be _that_ stupid.

By the way, tell your little friends to leave me alone. I don't take kindly to gargoyles breathing down my neck.

As for that big one, what was his name — well, you know who I'm talking about, the one that looks like a troll? Tell him he's ugly for me, will you?

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><p><em><strong>Thursday<strong>_

Dear Snivellus,

That is getting more and more painful as the days go on.

Now, onto the actual purpose of my letter. If those whales you call friends don't stop jinxing me, I swear I'll get them where it hurts.

I laughed at the names you called me when you accused me of not being brave enough to tell your troll — I mean friend — that he's ugly myself, in person. Have you considered getting your brain checked? I think it may be malfunctioning.

(That means you are an idiot that probably has a tumor on his brain.)

I really liked your list on the reasons you hate me. I want to return that oh-so-pleasing gift you gave me. It was such an honor to think I've accomplished so much in these two years with you! Except mine is all the reasons you are a jerk idiot:

1. You are a jerk.  
>2. You are an idiot.<br>3. I am not completely sure you are human — or animal, for that matter. Have you ever thought that maybe you are a smelly, bloodsucking beast and human mix? Or perhaps a purebred smelly, bloodsucking beast? Maybe one that is believed to be a long-lost relative of sanity?  
>4. You belong at St. Mungos. Either you're mental or on drugs. Maybe I'll never know?<br>5 Your 'friends' don't really like you. You and I both know you forced them all into an Unbreakable Vow with you, using bacon as a lure.

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><p><em><strong>Saturday<strong>_

Dear Snivellus,

Sorry I skipped a day. (Did I just apologize to _Snivelly?_ Wow, I must be ill today!) I would like say first, before anything else, that I really loved it when you told me off for pretending that you didn't know the meaning of 'malfunctioning'. I wasn't pretending, Snivellus. I'm your arch-rival and Hogwart's greatest trouble-maker, not an actor.

Now:

Do not call me a smelly, bloodsucking beast _ever_ again. I might turn you into one. (It would only take acknowledging your existence.) And before I forget: I will not be starting my letters off with 'Dear Snivellus' anymore. It is actually beginning to physically hurt, and Padfoot keeps telling me it is affecting myemotional health as well.

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><p><em><strong>Sunday<strong>_

I wish you a very painful death tomorrow that I shall inflict,

That felt good.

I really am enjoying these amusing little arguments of yours, but I may have to stop writing everyday because I am now being forced to study for the exams with a dangerous weapon involving lots of metal and peanut butter.

I kicked your friend's rear yesterday. You may have noticed he was running around the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, screaming and with his hair on fire. I'm not sure he's smart enough to stop bothering me after that, but please don't tell him not to. I want to laugh my guts out when he attempts to get the grindylows to gang up on me again.

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><p><em><strong>Monday<strong>_

Dear — grr — Snivellus,

I know you did not get my last letter, and I have a reason. You did not receive it — and I am breaking my promise and starting them off as 'Dear Snivellus' again — because my owl decided to get drunk and passed out on Professor McGonagall. This resulted in her reading the letter, getting really mad, jinxing me, and swearing to read every letter I write to you from now on. I'm still trying to find a loophole, but personally, I don't see what her problem was.

And I really do _not_ think that the exploding envelope was quite necessary. I understand; I'd like to send you an exploding — cough — other matters. Now, what are you glaring at me across the Great Hall for? You look like you're constipated. Hold on — what was that thing _behind you?_

I'll just repeat the body of my last letter here —

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><p><em><strong>Wednesday<strong>_

Dear Snivellus,

Okay, I really did not like that comment you made to me in your reply. Just because I sent that ugly companion of yours' hair on fire! Give me a break, he deserved it.

You may not have figured this out yet, with being stupid and all, but it was me that sent that dog on you for three hours straight, you git, and you better believe I will keep on sending it after you all week.

I know it's you that's put charms on the boggarts to follow me whenever they get the chance. I don't need it, they just turn into your ugly face, something I get enough of.

Don't get any ideas, Snivellus.

Well, McGonagall didn't check my last note, so I think it's safe to tell you what — no, wait, she's glaring at me right now.

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><p><em><strong>Thursday<br>**_

Dear Snivellus,

That stung really bad, so allow us to get something straight. I hate you and you remind me of a chimpanzee in a tutu — something I never want to see again. I know how to put you in a frilly dress, Snivelly. Stop charming those boggarts.

I liked how you described me as a "rock-headed prat better off suicidal." Nice try, Snivellus.

Oh! I almost forgot — I wrote you a poem, Snivelly. It's called the Snivelly Poem:

Who is so ugly  
>The ugly run away?<br>Who is so stupid  
>And looks like he decays?<br>Who is so disgusting  
>He keeps vultures at bay?<br>There is only one possible answer,  
>The one I really hate:<br>I can tell you without a doubt  
>The answer is Snivellus Snape!<p> 


End file.
